Ae Bhai Zara Dekh Ke Chalo..!!

Chandigarh has traditionally been an oasis when it comes to driving discipline. People everywhere are same but the enforcement of rules and conditioning of mind are two important elements in our behaviour behind the wheels. This is where Chandigarh triumphs Mohali, Zirakpur and Panchkula handsomely. When I say people are the same , I mean one would find the driver driving a car with Chandigarh registered number also taking it easy the moment he or she leaves the City Beautiful behind. It is like a dilligent and studious boy graduating out of the School System with flying colours and then joining some Engineering College only to go astray subsequently. 

What is the reason behind such behavioural change behind the wheels? Well it is nothing but poor traffic management system and lack of will to address the issues. Whenever you find a vehicle flouting the norms, most probably the number would start with PB or HR. For example, driving at high beam is a norm in Punjab and Haryana. In Zirakpur, the vehicles come from all directions and with high beam on as if their intention is to blind the other drivers. Ukraine could have destroyed Russian convoy with ease had they sought help from Punjab. Infact in one traffic light bordering Panchkula and Zirakpur , I could see cars with high beam ON while the custodians of traffic are standing right beside. The Old Ambala Road is a disaster and someday there will be a major loss to someone given the way people drive and the condition of the roads. To add to the woes, there are jaywalkers everywhere. Cows come out to take sunbath everyday and do not want to give an inch. Only if they could stay put exactly in the middle in a queue then our purposes would be solved.

With mushrooming societies, the road is getting busier by the day. The potholes are not fixed and there is a part where you feel like you are taking the staircase to an elevated road as well. PWD is turning a blind eye to such miserable conditions. I am sure local residents would have raised the matter many times but there seems to be zero monitoring and corrective action. The road divider is being dismissed by some and they are so hell bent on reaching first that it does not matter if they are driving on the wrong side. Someday someone may even flatten out the divider. Even dividers created using Ambuja Cement won't hold up here. Its MY WAY or MY WAY ONLY here. Then there are those high powered fancy LEDs which almost pierces through you as you approach that oncoming vehicle. I wonder what purpose these serve other than adding to the "Coolness" of Dad's Gift. Bikers, on the otger hand, behave like babies and are desperate to hug daddy(read cars) at every available opportunity. 

In one such service lane running through the length of the flyover, you will encounter drivers coming from the wrong side... arrey bhailog wrong side se aa bhi rahe ho toh atleast ek hi side se aao na.. right ya left... dono side se toh nahi. You are made to feel guilty and left wondering whether they are flouting the rules or you are. The traffic cops stationed at Old Ambala Road or at Singhpura try their best but their condition is that of a person trying to keep a paper boat floating at sea. There are no lights to help them and even if the lights are installed, the likelihood of strict enforcement is anybody's guess. I found it funny to observe that there are two different worlds on both sides of Sector 39 lights. 

I would be lying if I say that I can do no wrong and I admit that I have made mistakes occasionally too. Each day is a learning experience. If you happen to make a mistake, own up and pay the fine. Do not negotiate for it gives one a sense of entitlement and also stops being a deterrent for future compliance. If you are confident of not having made a mistake, then stand your ground. Traffic cops have a very difficult job to do and its not easy to keep composure. Things will improve only if we all do our parts well. 

To close, I have always been a very patient soul. I never used slang while driving in Chandigarh but in Punjab, the patience is being put to test and I have picked up a slang or two as well. Aa saale... 😉

“Ektara bajaile mone poira jaay…ekdin BANGALI chilam re!!”

This post has its roots in that feeling of guilt which makes a strong appearance every time I sit down to watch Zee Bangla SaReGaMaPa. The tagline that goes with the programme is “Gaane Gaane Tomar Mone” and with that they claim that they have found a way into our hearts through all the songs on offer. And I must admit that this programme has not only won my heart but it seems to have found a certain whip of dominance in my head with which it lashes out at every other musical alternative in there. Now the question is what a feeling of guilt has got to do with a mere programme on TV? It is neither a sweet nor is it a chocolate that the Doctor had asked me to stay away from and I failed to resist the temptation. Will explain that "guilt" bit of course but there is something else that precedes guilt and hence needs to be addressed first.

Yes, before guilt, there is a great deal of embarrassment that one has to deal with as one goes blank when asked to sing a couple of lines in his or her mother tongue. Not being confident with one’s vocal skills is alright; not remembering any songs is acceptable but consciously ignoring one’s roots is where GUILT & SHAME come in. Today when I tune in to this programme and watch young guys and girls unravel the rich jewels of our culture and language, I kind of feel like kicking myself. As I look back to my school years, I can vividly recollect that image of myself on stage and getting appreciated for Bengali recitations. I used to be so enthusiastic with the cultural stuff that even a back row position in chorus was an exciting prospect to me then. And yes, then there was that bit about being a “Bangalir bachcha” as well and so expectedly my sister got a Harmonium as a gift and I landed up in a tabla class. I liked the instrument and loved Zakir Hussain's Tajmahal tea commercial as well but it was too much for me to walk past my cricketing gang during Sunday morning “primetime” and do “Tere kete dhinna” for a couple of hours. After a year or so, Baba realised that I was more of a Faaki-baaj Hussain and that was the end of my tryst with tabla. For some reason, I gradually withdrew from the cultural activities in school and never got back that old zeal. In short, I lost a part of myself to the boring routine of a student life.

Further, nineties was not the best time for a kid to get introduced to Bengali cinema. We were that generation which found itself in the midst of mediocrity and between two extremes; genius of Uttam Kumar and the brilliance of new age Bengali cinema. Black and White stuff didn’t appeal to kids like me, “Goopi Gyne Bagha Byne” was the lone bright star to fall back upon and most irritating aspect was that almost every second Bengali movie seemed to be soaked in what I call “Baba go-Ma go Glycerine". My only memory(from what I happened to watch then) of a Bengali cinema of that decade was of perhaps Victor Banerjee tearing up a saree and tying it up on his head before he goes hunting for the bad guys. I almost became allergic to Bengali songs and cinema since that point due to wrong impression. 

That was also the time when WWF, Bollywood Masala, 365 days of cricket and Friday Fury invaded our living rooms in a big way. As for audio media, we just started sailing in the vast ocean of Kishore Kumar’s hindi collection and then there were Sanu and Udit hits as well. Whatever hindi audio cassettes were bought home, all of those belonged to me in letter(This cassette belongs to Ayan Goswami and no one else) and in spirit while the Bengali ones were my sister’s property. I became very meticulous while switching channels as well and knew which channels to avoid. English songs or drama came knocking much later and that was the final blow of the hammer that broke all my ties with Bengali songs or cinema. Not that western music influenced me highly but it was "cool" to be in sync with your peers.

It was only when I started working in Hyderabad that the "Bangali Chele" inside me woke up and this was thanks to a small silly revolt in my hostel room after finding my roommates from South exhibiting obvious bias while switching channels. That was like getting to taste my own bitter medicine. And then came that day when I created a folder called “Bengali songs” on my PC. One or two songs every now and then started trickling into that folder followed by a couple of movies directed by Aparna Sen. It was a pleasant change that somewhat transformed my opinion of Bengali entertainment industry. Ghar ka matlab Be-Ghar hoke hi pataa lagta hain!!

Being receptive and being prepared are two different ball games altogether for this year; when I watched Zee Bangla SA RE GA MA PA for the first time, I was so overwhelmed that I almost had tears in my eyes. It shook me completely and I realised what I had missed over the years. I watched the second episode and the GUILT only grew stronger. Then came third, fourth and today it was the nth episode and every day these guys have managed to make me fall a little bit more in love with Bengali music. When I introspected as to which element in this TV show moved me so much, I could only find one answer and that is BEING TRUE TO ONE’S ROOTS. As one of the lines from Ashim Sarkar and Rishi’s Kobi-Gaan claims, FOLK IS TRULY THE MOTHER OF MUSIC. We cannot actually begin to appreciate global music without appreciating the tunes that are so close to our heart and home. If you watch this programme, you will find that the producers sincerely dig deeper into our cultural roots, pick various unexposed facets and present it in such an innovative way that the impact transcends across ages and borders. The old Bengali songs that I would have never touched suddenly seem so fresh and fantastic. Old wine in a new bottle actually works if the wine tastes awesome and the bottle itself grabs eye-balls. Here, I have to praise the contestants as they perform more like seasoned performers while the musicians create magic effortlessly every day. All the artistes go about their business with a smile in their faces and that is the best happiness index certainly. This is by far the best musical reality show in India. Truly, Gaane Gaane Amaar Mone..!!

I might not have taken tabla seriously but I simply love the instrument and can’t stop tapping on the table or even the TV remote while I am listening to songs. That was a miss and I regret it. Funnily, I haven’t played a game of cricket as well in a long while. Wish I was this wise as a kid. Nevertheless, I no longer have a narrow approach to music and not being able to remember the lines of a Bengali song is, I guess, ACCEPTABLE. For now, I would sign off by wishing for myself a gift wrapped box of CDs of all the performances of this season of Zee Bangla SA RE GA MA PA. Well going by the readership, I am forced to croon- Jodi tor daak shuney keu na aashey.. tobe ekla cholo re!!!

INDIA'S DAUGHTER...a sad case of lost opportunities!!!

"Three things that never come back:

the spent arrow; the spoken word; the lost opportunity"

-William George Plunkett 

At the very outset let me make it clear that I have not watched the controversial documentary by Ms.Leslee Udwin. However, I also wish to highlight that I do not give a damn to those who keep saying that only those who have watched the video can understand the point of view being put across through the film. I feel I do not need to watch a video to understand how screwed up we are as a society. The nation wants to know, not what Mr.Arnab Goswami wants to preach, but where is the link to the banned video. Only if the nation desired to know how the daughters can be protected or more importantly, how sons can be brought up with right moral values.

With the likes of Meryl Streep apparently agreeing to attend the US premiere of the documentary, it would not be a surprise if the filmmaker walks away with an Oscar next year. One country's shame, another country's fame. And unfortunately if that happens, Indian Government should also get the Academy Award for the Best Supporting Role. By choosing to ban the movie, it has only managed to fire the engines of curiosity all across the world. Anti-piracy law has not been able to put a stop to the illegal download of movies(ask Mr.Akhilesh Yadav..hehe) and so there is no way that Indian Government could have controlled unauthorised online consumption of this product. India is not North Korea or China unless of course there is a definite policy shift towards that kind of CLAMP DOWN CULTURE. Myopic vision coupled with knee-jerk reaction on the part of the Government has ensured that India becomes the laughing stock of this world. It was anyways bad when the Indian newspapers headlined India as a "Nation of Rapists" and now we are a "Nation of Idiots" as well.

The ban by the Government itself is silly and the logic given by the spokespersons really baffle me. According to them, the words of the criminal are more infectious than the Swine Flu and can cause an epidemic. They gave zero stars to the film because they didn't like such content. How can a filthy Rapist be shown as being remorseless?? A nice question indeed. A remorseful Rapist is a Saint and then the movie is ok for nationwide release. We have grown up on diet of Hindi films which by default had the element RAPE in the chemical composition of a VILLAIN. Of course, the HERO got to kill the Villain at the end to get rid of the evil. That was okay as the RIGHT finally prevailed over the WRONG so what if every Indian(including kids) were exposed to things like RAPE, MURDER, & ROBBERY. Considering there was only one channel those days, I think many of us turned out to be quite alright. So, listening to the Criminal doesn't influence one to follow in the same footsteps for he/she is not Osho. Nor does Crime work on the model of Network Marketing. If your value system is good,virtues in place and brain intact then even Satan cannot lead you astray.

Without trivialising the issue, I would like to draw a parallel here with the use of anti-smoking disclaimers in movies that had been ordered by the Government. They wanted to ban smoking on screen but finally diluted the stance to allow the release with such disclaimers. Those messages make people cringe in their seats and therefore leave an impact on the minds. Would the Government have given a Thumbs Up had the documentary carried additional footage of strong messages of public outrage against such heinous crimes, criminals and mindsets including that of the defence lawyers. How about a few minutes of Mann Ki Baat on Gender Equality by the Prime Minister adressing the society through that film?? How about the voice of the mothers?? How about a pledge by the Police authorities and Aam Aadmi to be the 24X7 custodians of India's daughters?? The idea should have been to get the message across through this documentary that going forward this nation would be more responsible towards its daughters and NO ONE SHOULD DARE TO HARM THEM. This is where the Government lost an opportunity to mobilise public opinion and set the ball rolling towards transformation of the civic society. This is where "Minimum Government and Maximum Governence" was the perfect panacea to the ills of the society. Showing direction to the society so that children are brought up with right values is the job of the Government and so far the Report Card (for sixty seven long years) is a cause of serious concern.

What irks me is that why couldn't any Indian filmmaker or Indian news channel come up with this documentary. Well, I am not endorsing the creative brilliance here but as an Indian, I am saddened to see a foreigner coming to India and mustering the courage to do what her Indian counterparts perceived as unthinkable. Now a few journalists are damning the work of the filmmaker almost as if she is more evil than the Rapist himself. Is it a case of sour grapes?? The Nation wants to know. I really loved the social experiment that NDTV had carried out through a wonderful series by the name "WHAT'S YOUR CHOICE?". And they did air a special show on the documentary which kicked up a storm indeed. The media got caught up with the content of the film while ignoring the two real questions that have to be answered by the nation-What could we do to change the mindset of people like Mukesh Singh?? If learned lawyers talk like the uncivilized then what way our Education System needs to be reformed?? Indian News Media lost an opportunity to do mature journalism.

The filmmaker lost an opportunity as well and cannot escape as a victim of the political censorship. The case is sub-judice and so local sentiments had to be respected as a responsible filmmaker. Right to Expression should not be taken for a license to fly into a country and recklessly turn a sad event into a story to win applauses. In the west, law is so intrusive that a mother cannot even slap a child to discipline him or her. Ms.Leslee Udwin, thank your lucky stars that you are in a wonderful country like India where you are sitting pretty while the entire nation is quibbling over the mess that is your creation. I said we are a nation of Idiots and that includes a moron like me who is typing away at this hour as if you are waiting for this piece of brilliant writing....hmmm. What I find wrong with your action is that you were indifferent to the plight of the girl and the sentiments in this country while filming. You could have easily approached the Government and Civil Society to make this a piece of social project much beyond the mere statement of facts. What Mukesh Singh thinks is not important to us for every criminal finds some reason to justify the crime. What he thinks would have come out in the trial as well and but you have given him a stage to shamelessly showcase his dangerous thoughts. India is none of your business and that you have proved it by being so cold and reckless in your approach. As for the legal wrangle that you find yourself in along with BBC, that could have been easily avoided had you taken the stakeholders on board.

To sum up, as much as we have reacted to INDIA'S DAUGHTER, the movie; I hope we start caring for INDIA'S DAUGHTER, the girl child and all the women. We owe it to Nirbhaya. On that note, Happy Women's Day(belated I guess) to all the SANIAs and SAINAs. 

THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING US.............!!!

We all know about MIDAS TOUCH. Now, India is witnessing something that can be termed as MODI'S TOUCH. He is a very good orator if you discount the occasional factual errors in his speeches. This man's verbal exploits(ofcourse complemented by Manmohan Singh's Samadhi mode) captured the imagination of our countrymen and catapulted him to the much coveted address in the Raisina Hill. Off late though, Modi's touch has rubbed off on many of his colleagues but not everybody has the right character or conviction to speak what is good. As a result, lot many people associated with the ruling party are doling out utter nonsense for sound byte.

DEAR MILITANTS, THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING THE FOOLS WHILE THEY WERE VOTING FOR CHANGE.

That is the message given out by the man who came in contact with Mr.Modi most recently; today to be specific. WOW...such an inclusive mindset of the new Government to begin the MUFTIDOM. Of course, he was misquoted like all the silly politicians usually are....hehe. They can't resist the temptation and speak their mind with such nonchalance that it stumps a common man like me. Mr.Modi, your name is getting dragged here because you are a beacon of hope for us and so while we would appreciate "DEEDS NOT WORDS" from you; we would also appreciate "NO WORDS, IF NO DEEDS" from the people who are remotely associated with you.

Today morning, as I was going through the ordeal of watching Pakistan fumble and stumble its way to a win; for half an hour or so, I managed to catch the press conference of Mufti Mohammad Sayeed, the new Chief Minister of Jammu and Kashmir. And I was stunned to hear the new CM not thanking the electorate but choosing to thank the separatists and the militants for letting the elections happen. "Ooooof...yippee....I managed to cross the finish line or else I would have gone extinct in this political jungle". This unfortunate vote of thanks surely points to the desperation of this old patriarch of the PDP to get back into the game. Forget the personal ambition of a politician but as a so-called statesman and a Kashmiri at least, such statement could have been avoided. The media was quick to colour it as a controversy and air it to every Kashmiri house and the rest of the country. 

Today was supposed to be the watershed moment in Kashmir's political landscape. Years of cross border blood spill, militancy and misrule had pushed the state into the darkest depths of despair. So when the opportunity came, all the children of the magnificent valley came out in droves to make it a better place(sorry this MJ tune is playing in my head) . This led to the ouster of the incumbent party and Congress had anyways lost its edge. After a lot of deliberations, PDP and BJP joined hands to form a Government even though these two parties are like the two rails of railway track which never meet. However, just as two rails form an efficient railway track joined by common slabs, these two parties also seemed to have found an adhesive to form a partnership for the greater good of the state and its people. We applauded this rare show of political maturity and hoped that this alliance was all for governance and less for power.  

Today was the swearing in ceremony of this new Government.....today was the day of hope....today was the day to send all the right signals....today was the day to celebrate....today was the day to give out a tough message to all the negative forces in the region. Alas, what does Mr.Sayeed do??? He makes us cynical again. More importantly and most unfortunately, he walks out of the Oath taking venue and straight into the hands of the Separatists and the militants from across the border. P in PDP stands for PEOPLES and not PAKISTAN Mr.Sayeed. You have insulted the people of this country who braved bullets to vote for a better future. The resounding success of the election process is our victory and you needed to show(if not believe) your gratefulness to the people of Kashmir, to the Army and to the Democratic machinery at work in this country. Instead, you did the unthinkable.

I am sure this alliance will not be anything more than a fling and at the end of it, each will come out saying in true Bollywood style--"Naah..woh mere type ka nahi tha!!". Nothing productive will result out of this exercise for the man at the helm of affairs is addressing the other side of the Line of Control. Kashmir, according to me, can only prosper if BJP can get a full majority there while they are at the Center as well. Of course, Mr.Modi would need to rein in few of his loose cannons before all of that. God willing, MODI'S TOUCH will then transform into MIDAS TOUCH and Kashmir will be a Golden Valley again!!!

Death of a Great Man...a Mystery or pure Politics???

In my school days, there was a particular theme which was very popular with teachers whenever they had to consider putting an essay in the question paper. That theme was “Life of a Great Man”. Predictably though, Gandhi and Nehru dominated essay books like they do to our roads and stadiums. My choice was a bit different and this was not because of the Bong Connection but sheer admiration for the great life of the great man we fondly remember as Netaji. Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose lived a great life but that greatness was achieved by way of his unmatched love for the motherland, total commitment to the cause of independence, incredible ability to chart out an untrodden path to freedom and of course, fearless attitude and tremendous resource mobilisation skills to do the unthinkable. “Ekla Cholo Re….” is a song perhaps that best epitomises the journey of the man to begin with but the fact that the man was able to raise an army of motivated Hindustanis underlines the strength of his character and conviction. The typical structure of school book essays allowed for a small conclusive paragraph and which seemed to be enough given the mystery surrounding the death of Netaji. It was always an “unsolved mystery” and unfortunately the print has not changed over the years.

This leads us to the question-“Why the mystery cannot be solved?” This is a wrong question to ask in the final week of 2014 for almost seventy years has passed by. We are not talking of Bermuda Triangle that science has struggled to unravel the mystery associated with it. In Netaji’s case, therefore, the appropriate question to ask is-“Why is there no intention to solve the mystery?” Sadly, apart from Netaji’s family, friends and a handful of activists, no one else in this country of billions gives a damn. The sense that I get after following the various articles, blogs and news items over the years is that no Government actually pursued the matter wholeheartedly. A few never bothered while the others set the ball rolling only to ensure that the ball never gathered momentum. It is sickening really when one hears that probe committee members often found their wings clipped in their pursuit of truth. There was not even sufficient elbow room given to follow the leads and on quite a few occasions it seems that the Government stopped the probe team from making important trips abroad. In a country where the politicians enjoy free trips to zoos abroad, a matter as trifle as a freedom fighter’s disappearance rightly gets zero importance.  SHAME INDIA!!!

Conspiracy theories are abound. Some are also convinced that the evil who stone-walled the homecoming of the hero was another national figure. These theorists apparently base their judgement on the basis of facts and have been crying at the top of their voice that concealing of facts is a great disservice to the nation and to the man who sacrificed a great deal for the freedom of this land. Whatever the truth is….we Indians must be aware of it. The BJP Government is saying that foreign relations would go sour if the truth is revealed. So that means that the mystery is not actually a mystery but it is a cover-up by successive Governments. This is where the matter lends itself to more controversy. If India proudly counts itself as an independent nation and is having the liberty to choose its partners globally then much of it is owing to the relentless struggles of sons like Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose. How can a simple truth ruin a country’s relation?? And if it does then how does it matter??? Revealing of facts will only impact public opinion because the excuse given by the Government implies that they already know the truth. Times have changed and a misdeed almost three quarters of century back would not possibly turn a foreign relation on its head. And that is why it smells fishy here. The evil has to be inside the home for the Government to be afraid of public opinion. I am not suggesting anything here and my assumption is based on what I have been reading. Nevertheless, the Nation deserves to know the fate of one of its greatest sons.

Somewhere I read a story which underlines the impact of Netaji’s efforts on British establishment and their subsequent exit from India. Mr.Clement Atlee, former British Prime Minister, when asked about the reason behind the sudden decision to pack bags and quit India in 1947, he said that Gandhi’s Quit India Movement was not the prime reason but it was because of Netaji’s incredible fight that the British Empire got jittery and hence India earned its freedom.  I sometimes wonder what Netaji could have done to Independent India. He could have been the first Prime Minister. As a man with vision, he could have given a sense of discipline and direction to the youth of the country. As a man who raised an Army from scratch, Indian Defence System would have been much stronger then and perhaps the war of 1962 would have ended differently. As a man who had excellent negotiating skills, India’s Foreign Policy would perhaps have been something marvellous. He could have been one of the earliest recipients of Bharat Ratna. Oh hang on, Bharat Ratna has become a joke and camp system is at play for sure. Only thing missing as of now is the sponsor’s name next to the award. So, Bharat Ratna with all it’s political luster would have been an insult to the spirit of Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose.

Not many in this country are aware of “Prabhat Pheri” nor many of us give a damn to the fate of this story but atleast we can wish for the truth to come out in the New Year so that we can stop talking about the DEATH OF A GREAT MAN and instead celebrate the LIFE OF A GREAT MAN. Atleast, this figures in my wishlist for 2015. Happy New Year!!!

CUSTOMER SERVICE....LETS CELEBRATE A NEW CULTURE!!!!

Till graduation, I barely knew that there existed a formal meaning of the term “Customer” and then came Kotler & Co. with jargons that basically form the staple diet for Management students. “Customer Service” is one such term that had been injected into our systems as a cure for all epidemics out there in the market. Back then, I was a fool like many of my classmates. We never realised the power of being THE CUSTOMER and instead walked into that trap of higher studies which turned our entire world upside down. We now find ourselves on the opposite side holding an invisible signboard “Ready to Serve”. Well I agree that the role reversal happens every time I walk out of my office but I just can’t seem to sustain my anger whenever I am at the receiving end of shoddy service. The inner voice somehow cajoles me down with these words…"Beta kal Tu bhi toh office jaayega…kisiki bad-dua kyun leta hain????" And the face of an angry old shrewd pensioner starts floating before my eyes. As the image vanishes, my heart beat comes back to normal in baby steps of Chi Chi….I AM OK…I AM FINE!!!

We professionals hear this phrase on a daily basis from either our superiors or we ourselves send this message down. In the academic world though, “Customer Service” is already passé and the classroom discussions now-a-days center around a more ruthless phrase called “Customer Delight”.  My personal opinion is that these guys have jumped the gun in their quest for new case studies. While the discussions within the classrooms and in corridors have been spiced up further, there is a world outside where we mortals labour day in and day out trying to sell a product or service while in pursuit of that elusive target. The reality is that the service providers are still struggling with consistently providing the basic service that their customers expect. Apart from the very intangibility and immeasurability intrinsic to service expectations, the other major reason is the narrow interpretation of the term itself at organisational levels. And that is the focus of this yet another epic post today.

If I were to break down the evolution of Customer service into ANCIENT, MEDIEVAL & MODERN eras like my history textbook back in the school days, the ancient view would be that Customer service is limited to the TRANSACTION that happens at the interface. The medieval view is that it is an ATTITUDE while the Modern view ought to be much broader keeping in mind the technological impact on the service industry. To me, Customer Service is CULTURE. Well some Management Guru might have already said so long time back and those of you who are aware, can actually avoid getting bored by moving to Candy Crush or Farm Heroes at this point. I do not prefer reading unless I am forced to and so what I am writing, according to me, is a piece of INSPIRED WRITING & DEEP THINKING (activities stated in actual order of occurrence)…hehehe!!

Now to somehow convince you or confuse you, I have got an example ready as well. See I have been a loyal customer of Airtel for almost a decade now. And they enjoy absolute monopoly in my house starting with phone network to DTH and now even Broadband. But am I DELIGHTED??? NO WAY. Have my expectations been met ??? NO WAY. Am I DISAPPOINTED with their service??? OF COURSE YES. Then WHY??? Am I a Fool??? NO NOT REALLY or well YES to some extent. I was fooled by an act that I interpreted as Customer Service. Now, it is simply the case of “Andho mein kaana Raja”. The first time I took an Airtel Connection…I knew the ancient interpretation and went gaga over the first impression. Then I bought their DTH service and faced issues with installation. My medieval interpretation took shape there as one of their executives took it upon himself to set things right. Now after taking a Broadband connection and wasting my time and energy with their utterly indifferent Customer Care team, I have been enlightened with the modern view of the phrase Customer Service.  The good work by customer acquisition team is undone by the Customer Care team put in place to actually take care of the customers’ needs. They have a fourth view on customer it seems…CUST-SE-MARR!!!

I say Customer Service is a culture because it has to be all pervasive. Today most of the organisations are structured in such a manner that information flow is seamless and so the spirit of customer service should match that. From the policy makers in the Board Room to the field executive; from the decision takers to the housekeeping staff, everyone should remain tuned in. Not only the Supply Chain but even the Service Chain should get backward integrated. Escalation is reactive, Culture is proactive. I have seen so many initiatives fall through because the front end soldiers were not backed up by the support functions. Management takes decisions keeping in view the organizational objectives and it is crucial for the front end team to be aware of those objectives. Similarly, the efforts at providing best customer service should be complemented by internal feedback mechanism and pro-active decision making. It is unfortunate when the very measures announced for better customer service turn into hurdles instead; for want of customer orientation back at the Head Office or strategy desks. They decide, they dictate and then they desert. THAT IS SUICIDAL FOR ANY ORGANISATION IN THIS COMPETITIVE MARKET.

As a Banker in the retail banking segment, I have seen so many times that the customer service initiatives, once launched, are not reviewed for necessary modifications. The Branch staff members have to be empathetic to the customers but more importantly the Back office has to look forward to the feedback from the front end staff for they are eyes and ears of the organisation. Whether the customer actually likes the initiatives??? Are these serving their purpose??? Is that man/woman at the front desk well equipped and well supported for executing those initiatives??? Are there any unattended service gaps??? All these questions have to be answered in time or else what would happen is the standard practice. The carrots are stashed away again; out comes the stick and the rears are exposed at every level as the pain gets delegated.

There is no need to specially make efforts towards Customer Delight for it is imminent once everyone in the organisation does his or her work in true spirit of Customer Service and in line with organizational goals. As a culture, it has to be embraced at every level for Moments of Truth now go far beyond the shopfloor/counters in this information age and the top executives should not begin to enjoy their glass of fine scotch till their decision is green flagged by both the ground staff and the customers.

Banking on Peanuts...no one to Bank upon!!!!!

“There was a time when Probationary Officers were at par with IAS Officers. Even O.P. Bhatt preferred being a Banker than a Babu”. When any officer joins the Banking Industry (especially the Public Sector ones), he or she usually gets to hear these words from the Chief Guest at the induction ceremony. We have not been able to get over the rhetoric and actually find out what has changed since those glorious days. And in that timespace, the fall of Bankers from that pedestal has coincided with the rise of the Indian Administrative Service and the rest of the service industry. Some customers would say its KARMA while the younger lot is ignorant about that supposed past thereby forming an opinion based on the experience. This post of mine is with respect to the Wage Revision Talks that have captured the imagination of the entire Banking Industry but has got very little footage beyond that. I am not getting into the specifics of the negotiations per se but my focus here is more on the erosion of perceived value of the Bankers, need for hard bargaining, out of tune service conditions and indifference towards the needs of the Banking Industry.

When I talked about the KARMA a few sentences earlier, I meant that there was a time when the Banker used to be the king. The customers often were at the mercy of the work ethics of the banker they were dealing with. The customer had nowhere to go and customer service was a jargon unheard of. This was not unique to the Banking Industry alone but almost the entire Public Sector and Government establishments. Moreover, there were no computers then to fast track the service delivery mechanism. Gradually though, the landscape started to change and the role of technology started to assume significance.  The mushrooming of private sector banks coincidentally also happened during that period. Retaining customers and acquiring new ones became much more arduous all of a sudden. That is when the roles got reversed. The Kings suddenly found themselves dethroned and the funda of CUSTOMER IS KING took a long time to find acceptance. This PARIVARTAN took time and by that time many customers got wooed by the private sector Evangelists. Private Sector had a young workforce while the average age in public sector banks were much higher. Naturally, adaptation to technology and customer orientation took time and in fact that process is still on. It is not to say that Bankers then did not serve their customers well rather it would be apt to say that the very definition of customer service changed. Expectations had risen many fold and continues to rise further. Customers can easily pit one Bank against the other on visibles. What is hidden goes unnoticed often.

Where the private Banks score over Public Sector Banks is the removal of entry barriers. Private Sector Banks lay the red carpet before a prospective customer and go all out to lure him in through the Entry Gate. Once the conversion is complete then even the customer doesn’t mind paying a premium if he sees that his work is happening in the normal course. We humans do tend to stick to status quo that provides a comfort zone and so only a handful actually walkout through that very gate later on. The ones who walk out usually are found sitting in a Public Sector Bank. A Public Sector Banker, on the other hand, is more conversant with the regulatory or the so called THE RIGHT WAY of doing things. This obsession scares away some customers from the gate itself. But, the customers who have enjoyed a long relationship with a State run Bank won’t sever their ties because TRUST is the most important factor for them. It is important for Banks to not discount the trust factor under the compulsion of competition. And I am afraid the reverse is happening instead. Even the Public Sector Bankers now appear to be salesmen trying to sell A,B,C….Z to them. Of course, being competitive and coming across as a one point solution provider is the crux to survival these days but the Private sector Banks have specialised cells to cater to each from sourcing to recovery. A Banker in a village is still the "Babu" but for rest of the world he is just another one in the crowd. Not that tags matter much but the stature in the society is important if we are to attract the best talent to the industry. The workforce can rebuild the image through quality service while the Government needs to recognize the contribution on real terms as well.

Now, coming to the negotiations and the very need for it in this age, let me start by saying that it feels like a slap in the face when one reads about the hard bargaining going on for a paltry hike of 9.5% after five years. Take any industry for that matter; the annual raise an employee can expect under normal circumstances is around 15-16%. And here the Bipartite Settlement for peanuts happens every five years and even then the negotiations go on and on. Such negotiations seem more like an attempt at keeping the tradition alive especially when the final settlement happens on unrealistic terms after so much of delay. The time factor and compensation package statistics from other industries for similar job descriptions should automatically get functioned into the formula by which the raise is decided. There should not be any need for negotiations of epic proportions at least to that extent. Bankers have become like beasts of burden and the associations or unions have lost their teeth as well. More than negotiations, a market based approach is needed to make up for the lost ground.

Taking it further, we also need to revisit the service conditions and salary and perks bit of it. A uniform annual increment for all is alright but taking into account the increasing workload, a variable pay component should be added as well. The one who works gets an increment of Rs.X and the one who doesn’t work gets Rs.X and lots of time at leisure in addition. The one who works, his work never ends and the one who doesn’t, well he retires SMART as well. The institution progresses because of the work horses and they should be incentivised for their contribution in order to motivate others as well. Just to point out a couple of other issues, firstly, LFC provisions allow one to avail the benefit twice in two blocks. Funnily, a couple who are also colleagues do not get their individual quotas. Now, how about the man saying “Boss…. today my wife has worked really hard…eh..so I would take it easy!!!!”. Secondly, Probationary Officers who were like IAS officers once are still not entitled to travel by air in this age when even the interviewees in lot many places get air tickets reimbursed. If the industry itself is not giving value to the Officers, how can we expect it from an outsider??? Now a days, it is all about packaging. The awe for a certain profession is mostly by the CTC or the lifestyle that it provides. It may not be the right way but is the popular way these days. MOVING WITH TIMES should be the central theme of Charter of Demands.

Lastly, let me come to the issue that is paining every heart that beats for the Banking Sector and that issue is of course the indifference of the powers that be to the voice of workforce.  There are number of forwards on social media which highlight the importance of the Banking Sector and the contribution of its workforce. Whenever any Government needs to earn brownie points through its pet schemes like Financial Inclusion or Aadhaar, they turn to this machinery for help. Financial inclusion, for instance, could have also been done through the Postal Department given the fact that that Department carries out Banking operations as well. Moreover, it also has presence in far flung areas and basic postal business it not the same any more. Just consider a Bank Employee and the kind of work he or she has to do. Banking, Cross selling of hundred other products, Government Business, Welfare schemes of the Government and on top that bear the risk burden of the transactions as well. If the Government can dole out handsome proposals via the Pay Commissions, the Consolidated Fund of India should also be shared with the employees of the Banking Sector who play a huge part in implementation of the manifesto. This is an extreme thought on my part but the sentiment is not. It is alarming to see the media preferring to ignore the agitations. They spent one month on the IAS officer’s suspension and do not shy away from organising studio discussions on kindergarten admissions or exam stress levels. But the voice of this important constituent of the service sector fails to evoke a reaction. Can’t expect a common man to have any clue regarding what is going on and so it is perfectly alright if they ask their Banker this Wednesday-“teen din ki chutti…kya mast naukri hain!!!!!”

OUR ARMY MEN & THE “MIKE TYSON SYNDROME”!!!!!

Mike Tyson, one of the legendary pugilists, is known as much for his knockout punches as for his “Bad Boy” image off the ring. Our Army does pack a punch for sure and what our soldiers do for us apart from guarding our borders cannot be measured in words. For instance, the rescue and rehabilitation work post the Uttarakhand floods didn’t start moving at all till the defense forces joined in. Whenever our soldiers have got together, be it to fight for the nation or to help the fellow citizens in need, they have led by example.

Time and again though, there have been allegations of rape and other wrong doings against our soldiers in places like Manipur and the Kashmir Valley. The Pathribal case immediately comes to mind at this moment. I do not know the truth behind those allegations for I have heard that there have also been attempts by various groups to somehow get the defense forces out of those states on some pretext or other.  However, what I know and have witnessed on many occasions is the misconduct of soldiers in service or post retirement in a civilian social setup. And this is why I got tempted to call it “Mike Tyson Syndrome” for the good of these men also got negated by the evil in them. It’s almost as if they can never let go off their “camp lifestyle” even when they are thousand miles away from their colleagues.

The latest incident happened just a few of days back on the train that I took back to Delhi post my vacation in Shillong. We boarded the train at morning and found a man lying asleep on the middle berth. Overnight travel had taken its toll and so I asked my father to get some sleep in one of the other middle berths which belonged to us. The Saint (ofcourse my father) replied that it would be inconvenient for fellow passengers. While I climbed up onto the upper berth, my parents and another family managed to adjust themselves in the opposite berth.  My father preferred it that way as he didn't want to wake the sleeping passenger. When the breakfast was served, my father requested the man to wake up and come down so that everyone could have breakfast properly. He didn't pay any heed to the request and my father, being the peace loving man that he is, got down to eating his breakfast while staying low in the sitting posture. Just then Mr.Idiot (let’s give a name to the bugger) woke up and started to climb down. One of the passengers apparently requested him to wait for five minutes and yet the man climbed down from the wrong end and almost put his foot on my father’s plate. He then pulled out his bag without even bothering about whose foot he was crushing or whom he was kicking. He took out his toothbrush, paste and two bottles of whiskey to get his engine started for the day.

The noise of bags being pulled in and out from beneath the seat was too much a distraction for me to keep lying down. I don’t know whether he brushed or not but it was pretty evident to all of us that he was drunk at 9 O’Clock in the morning. He again came and on the pretext of searching for some stuff, took out all his clothes from the bag including his undergarments and put all those in a heap on the seat next to the ladies. The ladies were visibly embarrassed and turned their heads in the other direction. His play with his bags continued unabashed and then I asked him to either stop fiddling with his bag or shift his bag to the edge of the seat and play with it all day long. He cursed me saying that I forced him to shift his bag because I wanted my bags to be kept away from the aisle for safety sake. I laughed and the other passengers joined in as well. He got into a tiff with the waiters next for no reason and abused one of them with choicest words while blabbering about the inferiority of a waiter before the might of a soldier. This man had liquor flowing through his veins and in hindsight it seemed then that waking him up was a mistake indeed. 

The next act of this man really got us fuming and it would be embarrassing for the other soldiers to know that a fellow Indian soldier in a public place went about requesting almost every passenger to zip up his trouser. Drinking is fine but being a nuisance to others is not. We had to confront this man and threatened to throw him off the train in the next station. He was taken away to the next compartment by a colleague of his and we breathed a sigh of relief for we heard that he would sleep there itself at night. A man along with his little daughter shifted to the troublemaker’s berth instead. At midnight again though, Mr.Idiot came and forced the sleeping child to vacate that berth apparently because the other compartment had kids who were being very loud. Waah ab aur kya kahe…..!!!

An area where Defense Services need to work on is the social skill/discipline of its members. The soldiers stay away from normal society for too long and so it is natural that they often do not fit into a civilian society easily. That is where the Human Resources Division should play its part. In a crowd, it is still easier to identify a soldier than identifying a Banker or a Doctor. Everytime a soldier errs, the great institution gets dragged into the filth. In fact, my personal view is that so called “liquor quota” is an excess best left restricted within the place of service. What is the need to allow liquor bottles in the baggage while travelling by public mode of transport???? They are soldiers, not drunkards. Celebrating with a drink or a daily peg or two is understandable but drinking as an Art of Living is beyond me. Not every soldier is that educated or intelligent enough to recognise the immediate environment and behave accordingly. That is when they err and bring disrepute to their esteemed organisation. At a time when there are often talks of wrongdoings by defense forces against civilians; code of behaviour for soldiers in a civilian setup should be the priority. It is not the effects of alcohol but the social behaviour in general that should be taught to the soldiers especially to those in the lower ranks. 

Exit Counselling for servicemen on the verge of retirement is important to facilitate a smooth transition of the soldier into a civilian. They need not feel insulted and get psyched up if the world beyond that gate acts a bit indifferently henceforth. It is normal if the watchman does not salute now or open the gate on time or that the priority service is no longer extended to them. High handed behaviour is often a result of difficulty in accepting the fact that Ranks usually do not matter in a normal social setup. Infact, I may be speaking out of ignorance and perhaps the Defense Services training establishments have already been working on these lines since ages and in which case I can only say that it is my misfortune that I mostly happen to come across the worst students in the class!!!

UMMMMMMMMMMMMM...AADMI PARTY!!!!!

It is well past midnight and Mr.Kejriwal and his team are perhaps still thinking about their role in the Delhi Assembly. By the time they come out with their decision, hopefully my post would be out for my readers to read. Funnily, my readers and the AAM AADMI PARTY (AAP) have something in common. One group is RELUCTANT TO READ & the other is RELUCTANT TO LEAD. My readers can be coaxed or even emotionally blackmailed into reading whatever I write, just as the AAP leaders need their strings to be pulled by the Aam Aadmi.

The AAP apparently has been gathering referendum in order to take a call on forming the Government in Delhi. They held 272 Jansabhas in Delhi yesterday seeking public opinion on their next course of action. While the residents of those 272 wards turned up to redirect the lost ship towards the destination, the wily old politicians would have been enjoying the show and laughing out loud at this "stage fright" being exhibited by a group of people on whose lofty visions the public had put faith in. Mr.Kejriwal may continue to say "hum Aam Aadmi Party hain. Joh janta chahegi, hum wahi karenge" but I have a reason to believe that this reluctance to form the Government stems from something else and not mere respect for public opinion. 

The election result in Delhi was ground breaking and it was nice to know that citizens had the conviction to come out in large numbers and vote against mediocrity, status quo & bad governance (not necessarily in Delhi but by Congress in general). The fact that they voted for AAP implies that the "corruption free governance" promised by this new party struck a chord with the Aam Aadmi. Last year, when Mr.Kejriwal and his team charted their own course with the modus operandi of "Name & Shame", the existing political parties grew insecure and afraid for there was an imminent threat of all the dark secrets being spilled out in public domain. They shrewdly asked Mr.Kejriwal to get into politics and clean the system from within instead of just mud slinging from outside. All that was wrong with the political and bureaucratic system was evident to us as well; and we were looking for a new option on that electronic voting machine which according to us would stand for the all the virtues that make any nation a proud one. Mr.Kejriwal floated the AAM AADMI PARTY then and his party automatically fitted into that image of an honest party that fights the evil. There was an immediate emotional connect as all the frustrations of the common man translated into support for AAP. 

Mr.Kejriwal subsequently decided to put his party to the ultimate political test in Delhi with promises that seemed too idealistic but nevertheless tempting for an honest voter to vote in their favour. Congress got routed while BJP fell short of the half way mark. But AAP pleasantly surprised all of us by winning 28 seats. BJP cannot come together with Congress and so it expectedly played its political card by not coming forward to form the Government and as a result, the onus of forming the Government fell on AAP. Congress, in the meanwhile, sensed an opportunity to stay in power and hence offered its support to the AAP. Political gains may drive parties like Congress and BJP to act in a certain manner but it stumped me to find the AAP shying away from taking up the responsibility which was bestowed upon it by the citizens. 

But now it is obvious that AAP is feeling the jitters when the time has come to actually take control of the ship. We are not dumb to fall for the "JANSABHA CIRCUS". When people had voted for the AAP, they voted for AAP(the ruling party) & not for the AAP(the opposition party). No voter votes for someone unless he/she has a vision of his/her "candidate of choice" in power. Mr.Kejriwal is intelligent enough to understand that every vote that it received was a mandate from people to rule Delhi and fulfill those promises. This is an insult to the electorate and the Election Commission should recover the costs of holding the election from the concerned parties should there be a re-election. We just cannot let public money be wasted in such futile exercises.

The dominant thought on my mind is that AAP has miscalculated its capabilities and hence it is dragging its feet now. They wanted to create a splash in the water and are now faced with a Tsunami instead. A partnership with BJP(the single largest party) would restrict their flight while getting into bed with Congress would be bad for their image.  They have reached a point of not return now. In hindsight, they should have declared their political ambition a lot earlier to mobilise more support. They would do well to start early in other states for the ensuing General Elections in 2014. 

They are under-prepared to run the Capital and understandably so. Good intentions do not imply good administration and here the seasoned politicians would agree with me. "Aasman se girey, aur khajur mein atkey" and the irony is that there won't be a second opportunity if they let this one go. My worry is that now there is a greater chance of poor governance given the inexperience and reluctance. And that would give a chance to the existing political parties to get back at them. Moreover, taming Congress and keeping it under check would be a task in itself should they opt for a coalition. A coalition with the BJP would have been better towards the achievement of their objectives and cornering Congress but going by pure numbers, there would be more bargaining power in coalition with the Congress. All THE BEST to this promising party and hopefully power and political engagements do not corrupt the so-called A FEW GOOD MEN & WOMEN!!!

NOW PLAN YOUR OWN WEDDING....AYANZ "BY FLUKE" THEORY....PART 3!!!

On the 10th of May, as the Mandor Express slowly came to a halt at New Delhi railway Station, I could see Ranbir waiting for me on the platform. We planned to leave for Chandigarh together and had hired a cab which was waiting for us but at the wrong Exit though. After a number of calls trying to locate our "rath" for the "yatra"; we got into the right cab and headed towards Chandigarh. Our first task was to examine the arrangements made for accommodation of the Baraatis who would start reaching Chandigarh in batches the very next day. After a tiring journey and a heavy lunch, we were in no mood to get down to business and knowing  that our "Jawaan" would doze off, I dragged him out into the streets for house hunting. This task had suddenly become number one on my priority list because while we were on our way to Chandigarh, I got the news that my transfer to Chandigarh had materialized. I had come to know about this development well in advance but was not sure about the timing of the order. But my "love" for Jodhpur forced me to pack all my stuff without waiting for the announcement and carry with me to Chandigarh all that I had accumulated in my nomadic existence in the last few years. My luggage needed an address and I wanted to do away with my checklist at the earliest. This little afternoon exercise seemed futile at the end as all we got were only mobile numbers and all of those were of shrewd and boring broker "uncles". Before Ron could hurl abuses at me, I promised to take him to the wise Old Monk at night. Trust me, nothing pleased him more then. 

Now a days though, he prefers to go and see that monk only if his psychologist accompanies him. It seems that the Psychologist too "enjoys" the company of wise people like Old Monk or Teachers. "Ram milaye Jodi....ek Bewra kya kam tha...joh usko mil gayi Bewri"....hehehehe. This couple is living their blissful married life and capturing each moment frame by frame. Good to see them enjoy themselves. Yeh dekh ke doston ka dil "Garden Garden" ho jaata hain!!!! Apparently they have gone to the city of love seeking some DOPE and after that they plan to wash away their sins before the POPE.

Anyways, there is not enough space to squeeze in any other story and so let me get back to the subject of this post. That evening, we inspected the venue and realised the we couldn't get a better place than what had been arranged for stay and marriage. The place was nothing great but the words "Bongo Bhawan" were reassuring enough in a beautiful but strange city, where people seem to know more about their neighbours' cars and less about their neighbours. The arrangements had more or less been taken care of by two wonderful "Probashi Bangaali" strangers, Milan Da and Sameer Da who were commanding their subordinates as if it was the wedding of someone in their family itself. In fact they went an extra mile to make sure that the wedding remained true to its Bengali roots. 

Next day morning I was woken up by the ring of my phone and the voice on the other end instructed me to reach some place within an hour if I did not want to lose out on a good house available on rent. I left Ron in the hotel and at 7.30 in the morning, I sealed the deal and paid the advance. I was damn happy and proud of myself as my previous house hunting experiences were nothing short of harrowing. We spent the day roaming around in Sector 17, watched a movie as well perhaps and returned back to the base to check if the catering guys had started working there. This was the evening when the groom normally enjoys the pampering but this poor groom instead was waiting on the platform along the tracks trying to find some rhythm in the "Chugh Chugh" music from the trains. The bride, on the other hand, was busy dancing to the latest tracks on the platform specially created for the Lady Sangeet celebrations in some upscale hotel unmindful of the hardwork being put up by her life partner just to get married. The first set of Baraatis had reached and I could see Adi flashing his teeth to catch our attention. I could see lot of Bags had come for my wedding and every couple had one Baraati with them. I smiled as I realised that this is a familiar sight when women are involved. After ensuring that every Bag had been accounted for, we escorted the Baraatis back to the Bongo Bhawan where everyone settled in nicely. 

Meanwhile I handpicked talented people(including Baba) from the group that gathered there and rushed to Kalibari to catch hold of the priest who had promised to get me married. This was a tense moment as all our preparations were based on the assurance that he had given a few months back over the phone. While Baba was discussing the SOP with the priest, I raided the temple canteen and got ourselves some delicious mishti doi. The final task was to go back to the station to receive the remaining Baraatis amongst whom was one Mr.Bob, the livewire in the family. Suddenly it seemed that I was not nervous anymore in that strange setting and there was a sense of confidence within me that the next couple of days would be full of fun and happiness. 

12th May, 2013 was like just another day for so many people but the rising Sun signified the start of a new phase of my life. I started the day by taking Mishtimoni, Bodomamu and the bunch of "monkeys" (Adi, Ron, Bob, Abhi and TANIA) along to show the house that I got on rent. Thanks to Boromamu's nationwide network of friends and colleagues, we were tortured with a strange mix of "Lime Rooh Afza" at one such colleague's house and probably this drove my "opportunistic" friends to whisk the "Bhanjaa" away for some sort of Bachelor Party at a nearby pub as a punishment for his Mama's wrongdoings....!!! They drank and ate while I was sitting there waiting to loosen my wallet as and when the moment arrived. The moment did arrive but it was well past the lunch timings. I was the only one who returned hungry as the mere sight of my friends shamelessly tearing into the chicken and pork could not satiate my hunger. 

All the waiting, so much of patience, so many conversations, lot many arguments, a number of tough decisions,lot of convincing and a near perfect execution......yeah the special moment was only a couple of hours away. I thought that it was time to forget all that and peacefully enjoy the last moments of Bachelorhood and get ready to tie the knot. Before that I had to tie my dhoti first though and this thought was making me nervous. But just as I was about to get ready, I had to rush to sector 17 for I had forgotten to pick up gift for "Saala" (Not the "Kamina" types if I may add). And we took a liking to the UCB store there and ended up spending more than an hour there. When we reached back the venue, the Bride had already arrived. Ron told me "yaar tujhe dekh ke lag hi nahi raha ki tera shaadi ho raha hain". I replied "Mujhe bhi nahi lag raha".....hehehehe!!!

The wedding ceremony was short and sweet. The priest tried to get me married into the T-Series family but my "33.26% downloaded wife" corrected him immediately. She could not do anything about her papa though as he was giving her hand away in marriage through specially written piece of mantra that was a funny cocktail of French and Latin. In the midst of all this, I was busy showing off that I understood every bit of "pundarikakshya purakakashya" even though I was preoccupied with the lady in the red benarasi sitting beside me. The day ended with us getting married in Bengali tradition and now it was time to get ready for the sequel with Punjabi tadka slated to take place the very next day. I could do nothing as my wife was being taken away just to be presented before me as my future wife the following day again. "Saala Bakra do do baar halal hua". The night went by as I took advantage of my "quasi-married" status and enjoyed an impromptu get-together with friends and Jijaji. The three hour long ridiculous discussion just centered around the date of 31st July, 2012 and repetition of the following words........"Lekin July 31st hi kyun???"!!!

Sunday morning brought about a change in the venue and the Baraat reached the Sunpark Hotel. The Sun had actually parked itself there as I found out when every Baraati decided to run for cover. I was deserted in that furnace of a car with a "flower vase" on my head for a "sehra" and fancy ethnic suit made of a fabric as heavy as that of a "shamiaana" . The cruel gang of Bouncers(saalis and Bhabis) still didn't care and I had to pay 5.00 lac paise to get a stag entry. While the others would have turned back from the Gate, I fought the odds and ate a laddu made out of chilly powder so that the poor girl does not lose out on a gem of a human being. They even stole my sandal and even though I could have stopped the thief yet I didn't care as "jijaji ka juta bhi saale ke liye ashirwaad hota hain"...lol. The havan started and this time my father fumbled his way through the process while Gul and I were wondering whether we would get double the amount of gifts for the fact that we took fourteen pheras instead of seven. While all of us were counting pheras, the bunch of monkeys were counting pegs somewhere else in the city. 

The two day test match got over by the evening and I drove away with my prize. Of course I had to retire as well after this match winning effort for it rendered me unavailable for other tournaments. But that was the idea...wasn't it??? The theory ends here and apologies for an outrageously lengthy one again. In case you opened your eyes just now, the key to successfully planning one's own wedding is to never lose sight of the prize. And that prize is not the girl alone but the happiness for all in the family. That is the the secret behind the success of this theory. All the best to all those who are busy putting my "By Fluke" Theory into Practice......Papad belnaa sikhlo bhai log!!!

STILL PLANNING YOUR OWN WEDDING....AYANZ "BY FLUKE" THEORY....PART 2!!!

Toh HUMLOG waapas aagaye.....it seems. Ok, so here I start the second part of this post by taking you all back to the moment where the need for such a theory emphasized itself and set the ball rolling. It all began when I spelt out the eligibility norms to my parents for search of my partner. They got stumped and told me that I would get out hit wicket and lose a good match. They asked me to try Bharatmatrimony.com to zero down on a girl based on the tough filters that I set. In fact, mishtimoni remarked that only option to come out as winner out of this is to fix the match myself. I laughed at that and then casually registered myself on that site. I hardly took note of my incomplete profile and my approach was rather hyenic as in I would pick up on the profiles shortlisted by poor Adi and shoot bulk invitations. I must have sent hundreds of those and later on, Adi did the same as a way of gaining back the lost ground but he had to make do with a couple at best for I hardly shortlisted anyone. Anyways, soon we forgot about the objective and instead started to have fun over phone discussing all the weird profiles and the unattended mistakes that contradicted the claims made by many. Those discussions had influenced one of my earlier posts as well. Here's the link:

http://www.ayanzthoughtspace.blogspot.in/2011/09/bear-it-on-matrimony.html

My casual approach though didn't go down too well with my mother as by oversight, I had retained the default option "CASTE NO BAR" on my profile in the column meant for preferred partner's caste. My parents thought that I had actually fixed the match then and this profile error was just a way to accommodate some girl to whom I had sent an invitation like I did to hundred others. What had happened was that Adi had visited my Mamaji's house in Hyderabad and he had shown them my profile as I wanted them to check it out as well. But that move backfired and I was shortly summoned by the Home Minister to explain myself and during that conversation, they came out with these "magic" words...."Ayan if you find a bride for yourself, we will not raise any objections but if we initiate any proposal then that would surely be in conformity with our caste and community requirements". I laughed and then said ok. Adi soon got the information that he had to repair my profile immediately. In hindsight, those words of my parents were like magic words indeed as soon after that door of destiny opened where I met my future wife.

What happened after that was like a strike of lightning and in a matter of days, shockingly, there was someone in my life to fill that "void"(what the hell....actually there was no void or atleast, I was too busy with life to take any note of that). We took a little time ( Adi would say..."Are you kidding??? ... Bro...'little time' would be an exaggeration of time in your case") to decide if we wanted to get married to each other and till then we had taken the conscious stand to keep the Bharatmatrimony or the traditional matrimony options open as well. Soon, we did not need to look at these options and I had actually managed to fix the match. I was invited over to her house and her mother tried to woo me with "idli" for a late breakfast as I landed up in Chandigarh. Now, my friends and relatives would know that idli on my plate is as good as "beef" on a Brahmin's plate(not my kinda Brahmin I mean). Initially, it was almost as difficult as Ram's task of breaking that "Bow" but I managed to break off a piece of idli and put it in my mouth. I still don't know whether I was too hungry or that was not authentic idli or for that matter, love numbed my taste buds but I liked what I ate. Yeh sochne pe bhi ajeeb lagta ab ki ek punjabi saans ne apne bangaali damaad ko South Indian idli khilwaake phaas liya....lol. She was not done and and then she brought out her "Ace of Spades"-a nice fish curry in dinner. Mullah ki daud masjid tak hi hain aur yeh bangaali itney mahino baad fish khaake toh paglaa gaya tha. Only thing that remained was to break the news to my parents. But, before that let me board the bus out of Chandigarh towards Gurgaon first. Flashback toh proper hona chahiye na!!!!

Alright, I have reached Gurgaon now and ready to proceed with the story. I had gone on training and spent my day in the classroom thinking about ways to break the news to my parents. I didn't even have my cousin, Mr.Arnab Goswami's number otherwise TIMES NOW would have been a good mode considering my father's love for News and their fixation with any thing that is worth breaking. In case you are wondering, his dad and Baba are BHAIs.....HINDUSTANI BHAIs...to be specific. However, the opportunity presented itself later that evening when Mishtimoni called up to discuss a marriage proposal and I blurted out the whole thing thinking desperate times call for desperate measures. She said that she was fine but then the question was. Who will bell the cat???? I promptly replied "you and who else...don't you remember that Brahmastra that I have against you?????". She laughed and said that she would first talk to Mamaji and then find a way to talk to my parents. I know she would have anyways done that but still it lightened up the tense moment.

Surely, I received a call from Baba and he asked in his most serious tone...."Kita shunlaam bey???" (What did I hear???) and then there was deep silence. I was hoping that he would himself start talking but then he never dropped any hint and we concluded the call after discussing ten other topics. For a moment, I was as confused as crazy and checked with Mishtimoni if she had spoken to him at all. She said that she did. I then called up Ma this time and the first thing I told her was that see I have always been the "good boy" and had stayed away from home for number of years and conducted myself in the way with the values I was brought up with. Immediately after that emotional lecture, I asked her..."Ma, if I have taken this decision then I am sure you know that I would have considered every possible angle....so do you trust me when I say that this is the right one for me????". Her response was-"Kintu amra je hindi koitey paari na aar taai je Bangla jaane na....aamra kotha kemney koimu???" (We speak hindi hardly and she does not know Bengali. In a home, communication is very important and so how would we be able to talk to each other properly????). I knew straightaway that she wasn't against my choice but her concerns were more "operational" and understandable as well. I told her that it is an opportunity to teach each other and I will collect the fees from both the parties. Amazingly, my parents had agreed without even meeting the girl; just based on the trust that they had on me. And I felt blessed to have parents who are so free thinkers that they never let any issue come in the way of this relationship getting cemented with exchange of marriage vows. I am really proud of them for they treated every issue on its merit and were objective and wise enough to gauge the culture, values and honesty of an unknown girl and her family. The same goes for my mother-in-law as well and when I look back at that day in Chandigarh, it was neither the idli nor the fish curry but her warmth and love that did the trick. Aisi saans ki beti koi aur hoti toh bhi chalti....kyun Gul???

With help from Mishtimoni and Adi, I had sorted out all the issues that cropped up time and again to challenge our conviction in the whole process. Now, the next level was ENGAGEMENT. More than the ceremony, this occassion had a far greater bearing on the future of the relationship. It was the first time the two families were going to meet. Baba made it clear that the "Ashirbaad" ceremony had to happen during that visit itself as it would have been difficult for them to travel again. I wanted to tell him that no it is better to take some time and not to rush things but he was in a greater hurry to get me married. Being the most obedient child that I am, I surrendered before his wish...lol. Ma had to miss the ceremony due to my sister needing someone to be there with her especially with our CHOTABHEEM (my niece) getting naughtier by the day. So the date of 4th December was fixed for both "Ashirbaad" and "Roka" and Baba along with his trusted comrades headed for Chandigarh with all the good stuff to be giifted to the girl. Baba did not even care to buy one chocolate for me. Ab Bahu betey se zyada important joh ho gayi thi....itni saalo ka pyar kuch dino mein unho ne bhula diya. He brought a cholcolate for Gul yesterday as well and that too the "fruit and nut" one knowing fully well that I do not like those. Log badal jaate hain...rishtey bhi badal jaatey hain. Ironically, once they landed in Delhi, that suitcase containing the goodies was handed over to me for safe keeping.

And yeah there was only one demand that me father had and which my in-laws had to take care. A piece of fish had to be arranged for the ceremony and I could hardly contain my laugh when I saw that fish occupying a prominent spot amongst all the other provisions arranged for the ceremony. It was "Tengra", a small fish of about 7  inches length and 150-200 grams in weight. Till that date I had only seen fishes of minimum 2 kilograms being used for this ceremony. He had been skeptical about the possible outcome of the task given by him to his "Sambdhan" considering the food habits of people in Chandigarh but he was very relieved to find one in the plate. He could understand the effort put in by her and his confidence in this relationship jumped up spectacularly and there was no looking back since then. They are best buddies now and Ma has been preparing the best fish preparations for her every second day. I am happy as I get my share too.

The interesting moment was when he wanted to pay for that fish and he decided to use sign language to cover up for his command over hindi. With a smile on his face, he signaled with the fingers just as one would do to flip a coin. And the look in the faces of "ladkiwaale" turned pale as they interpreted the signal as demand for "Dowry". I had to jump in quickly and clear the air immediately. Later on at the hotel we laughed our hearts out when Baba put his hands on his head and remarked "OH HO!!!" The next day they left and I took Adi to Shimla as that was his long time wish. That night we had a dinner invitation at my sasural. Gul did a nice job in the kitchen pretending to cook and by the time the dinner ended, my "firangi fiancee" had discarded spoon and fork. We said "Welcome to the family" and left for our respective destinations.

The marriage dates were fixed for the month of May after the usual "tug of war" that is part and parcel of every matrimonial alliance. The challenge was to seamlessly merge the ceremonies so that no side felt that their rituals were not properly followed. In Bengali marriages, the girl leaves her parental home on the next day after marriage while in Punjabi culture, the pack-up happens on the day of marriage itself. This management guru did a wonderful job and decided the dates in such a way that everything worked out perfect. May 12th-Bengali Wedding and May 13th-Punjabi wedding. So that meant that the bride could start the journey for a new life in sync with the rituals of the respective cultures. The journey part sounds good but planning it was one hell of a task. I did not want the marriage to happen in Shillong as that would have meant all the burden had fallen on Baba and so "Shubho Chatuthomongol" (i.e. Reception) was shifted to Mishtimoni's house in Kolkata. That was perfect for me in view of my limited leaves and I was able to visit the place as well to personally arrange the function under Mesho's guidance and with Bob's help. The Olympic contingent(read Baraatis) had to be finalised for the tickets to be booked and with great difficulty the list was ready to be presented at the Railway Reservation Counter. Tickets were booked but reservations for the return journey were not confirmed. The uncertainty did not matter to anyone at that point for the sight of me getting married in Chandigarh in two different ceremonies had eclipsed very other thought.

I do take this opportunity to apologize to people whom I didn't invite. I knew it was going to be a hell of a task to manage with so many people in an unknown environment where I did not have any one known to fall back upon in case anything went wrong. Inviting people beyond the closest circle was not a wise decision for sure and I exactly did that though I might have offended a few in the process. And my nature is such that I could not invite people just for the sake of inviting. I thought it was better to be cursed for being rude rather than inviting people to a place where you yourself are not sure about the arrangements. However, everything went off well and it seems that God was on duty for those few days. Otherwise how would one explain this???? Gul and her mother went shopping one fine day to Sector 17 and in the course of casual conversation, the shopkeeper got to know about the marriage and the Bengali groom. He introduced them to a Bengali who owned a boutique and believe it or not everything got taken care of from the stay to the Bengali marriage rituals and catering arrangements for a full course Bengali dinner. Those people were God sent and we would be ever grateful to them. The arrangements might not have been perfect but the best part about family is that no one bothers about these things in the midst of celebrations.

This post is not going to end it seems and infact the most adventurous part of the celebrations is yet to be shared. Let me extend this post to a third part and will come back and take you straight to the day of my wedding in Chandigarh. Till then let all my friends and relatives get ready to board the trains from various cities of India while I myself prepare for my journey away from one station of life to another. You guys give you eyes some rest now and there are other things in life as well apart from my Blog. Don't miss out on those...lol!!!!!

PLANNING YOUR OWN WEDDING......AYANZ "BY FLUKE THEORY" ON ARRANGEMENT OF LOVE MARRIAGE!!!

HEE HEE HEE HEE....(Battisi dikhaake)....may I point out that one wonderful year has passed since this brilliant management theory was successfully put into practice by the self-proclaimed Management Guru. No I am not talking about Mr.Arindam Choudhary...I believe he has never proclaimed it himself. I am talking about Mr.Ayan Goswami. For the students of this science, who aspire to toe a similar line or more importantly, may find themselves at such crossroads, here is a piece of writing on how this theory works. This Theory is based on the fundamental principle of co-ordination between key players through a focussed approach towards the set goals. The success of this theory is primarily dependent on the directing and monitoring ability of the leader. This might not work in everyone's case due to varied reason like the managing skills of the leader, efficiency of the key players, God's interest levels and ofcourse TQ(Tolerance Quotient) which again is a matter of luck.

The Guy and the girl meet, fall in love and decide to get married. Sounds easy....right???? Wait the fun just begins here....!!! Planning a wedding in Indian context has always been a tricky and challenging task keeping in view the diverse culture. The SOP of wedding changes from house to house. The arrangement of arranged marriages also do not have 100% success ratio and the record of Love marriages is far worse in India. The complicacy here was at a much higher level. Convincing all the non-hindi speaking family members in North-East of India to arrange a proper social marriage between their Bengali son with a hindi speaking Punjabi girl based in Chandigarh, without being able to meet the girl or her family. It sounded scary when this task was carried out like a video game with the difficulty level increasing at each stage. The smooth transition from bachelorhood to that of a married one required mastering the unpredictable variables at play. In hindsight, I must admit that I had some strengths which proved handy in the success of this theory and so should be the case with anyone. Having strengths is not enough though but the key is to make optimum use of those. Let me highlight the strengths that helped me juggle all the unpredictabilities and come out with a PERFECT ACT!!!

Firstly, my relatives had the image of a "Bhola Bhala Ladka" of mine in their minds thanks to me actually being that way. Just to prove a point...here's my favourite question..."Duniya Gol Kyun Hoti Hain????". So it came as a shocker when one fine day they heard it from my parents. Whenever someone elderly remarks "Tui je eerokom biyaa korbey, bhabtey o paarsi na amra" (That you get married this way was beyond our imagination), my cousins immediately jump to claim that they had always known that I was anything but "Bhola Bhala". We still have a good laugh at this whenever this topic comes up for discussion. Honestly, their opinion never mattered to me that much as that of my parents did. I thought this would take lot of convincing for them to even decide on hearing the Girls' voice over the phone. This theory though, would have failed even with its brilliant concept, had Ma or Baba decided otherwise. Infact, their son was shocked at the ease with which he won their "approval". Today, I must admit that they knew their son but their son didn't really know his parents.  Perhaps, that is one universal truth. 

Secondly, the pillar on which this relationship got cemented into a marital commitment has to be my guardian angel in the form of "Mishtimoni"(my maamiji) and "Boromamu"(my maamaji). They were my first two KEY PLAYERS. In my family, they were the first exponents of something similar to this theory and hence they could understand me. There were no linguistic barriers at least in their case but one has to concede that the TQ in that era was negligible. Knowledge of this did not influence my decision at all but my equation with Mishtimoni is such that I could trust her with this job. I literally coerced them into this by providing a weird logic. They get ready to pick up a stick, with a smile on their faces ofcourse, everytime they are reminded of that Blackmail Call. Would you like to know what that logic was??? Now that you said yes then let me share it with you guys...hehehe.

I never intended to quit my job in Hyderabad and join the Banking sector. Mishtimoni and Boromamu with great difficulty managed to convince me to try one such recruitment examination. Strangely I got selected and my new job brought me to Chandigarh where this relationship got initiated. The reason that I gave them was that because of them I had to shift base from Hyderabad to Chandigarh where this girl fell for my REALLY TALL, HARDLY DARK, EXTREMELY HANDSOME, SUPER INTELLIGENT & AXE EFFECT WAALA ATTITUDE (oops the truth is out...but sorry Gul for not being able to accommodate my other 3456 qualities that you had pointed out...lol!!!). So it was their DUTY to help me out. They could do nothing but surrender before the truth.

Finally, my other key player was my friend Shiladitya or Adi as he fondly calls himself. Now that Mishtimoni and Boromamu had played a good knock and their partnership brightened the chances of a win significantly. Next stage was all about consolidation. Picking out the thorns one at a time for smooth passage was crucial and his KRAs were well defined. He did a good job and never wavered from the script. Oh yeah, he got a good incentive as well based on his performance. A unconfirmed reservation from Chandigarh to Kolkata with multiple opportunities to do some "Cooliegiri" along the way. Sadly though, the Man of the Moment also had to drag quite a few bags himself.

Well well I have been exposed enough to this Balaji trick over the years thanks to ladies in the house and so I know that it is the appropriate time to end it here. Picture abhi baaki hain mere dost!! The next part is about the days leading to the wedding and how all the celebrations finally culminated in Kolkata. It was a wonderful journey and a fantastic start to this phase of life with the special one. I can see the curiosity levels rising and there is a great chance that the post would receive the most number of hits(twoooooooo or even threeeeeeeeeeeeee). Aage Gul aur Ayan ki shaadi pe kya hua tha....dekhenge HUMLOG!!!